Bridget Jones’s toe-curling exploits nonetheless make us hoot with laughter 1 / 4 of a century on. To this point in our return to the best-seller that brought about a sensation, she’s dressed as a Bunny Woman, endured a calamitous first day as a TV reporter and, because of some appalling cooking, completely ruined a cocktail party for Mark Darcy. All the things appears to be going incorrect. However right now, in our ultimate unique instalment, hapless Bridget will get her completely happy ending …
Wednesday, 22 November
8 st 10 lb (hurrah!), alcohol items 3.
10am Again in flat, fully exhausted. On high of the whole lot else, need to go to work and get b******ing for being late. Dad gave the impression to be rallying a little bit after I left: alternating between moments of untamed cheerfulness that Julio proved to be a bounder so Mum would possibly come again and begin a brand new life with him, and deep depression that the brand new life in query might be considered one of prison-visiting utilizing public transport.
Helen Fielding shares the ultimate instalment of extracts from the bestselling story of Bridget Jones. Pictured: Colin Firth as Mark Darcy and Renee Zellweger as Bridget Jones
Mark Darcy went again to London in small hours. I left a message on his answerphone saying thanks for serving to and the whole lot, however he has not rung me again.
Una and Geoffrey stated to not fear about Dad as Brian and Mavis are going to remain and assist take care of him. Discover myself questioning why it’s at all times ‘Una and Geoffrey’ not ‘Geoffrey and Una’ and but ‘Malcolm and Elaine’ and ‘Brian and Mavis’. And but, however, ‘Nigel and Audrey Coles’. Simply as one would by no means, by no means say ‘Geoffrey and Una’ so, conversely, one would by no means say ‘Elaine and Malcolm’. Why? Why?
Discover self, regardless of self, attempting out personal identify, imagining Sharon or Jude in years to come back, boring their daughters inflexible by going: ‘You recognize Bridget and Mark, darling, who dwell within the huge home in Holland Park and go on a number of holidays to the Caribbean.’ That’s it.
It might be Bridget and Mark. Bridget and Mark Darcy. The Darcys. Not Mark and Bridget Darcy. Heaven forbid. All incorrect.
Then all of the sudden really feel horrible for enthusiastic about Mark Darcy in these phrases, like Maria with Captain Von Trapp in The Sound Of Music, and that I have to run away and go to see Mom Superior, who will sing ‘Climb Ev’ry Mountain’ to me.
Saturday, 25 November
9 st, alcohol items 2 (sherry, ugh), energy 4567 (totally custard lotions and salmon unfold sandwiches)
Thank God. Dad has had a cellphone name from Mum. The police have been at Una and Geoffrey’s tapping the cellphone line as in Thelma & Louise and stated she was undoubtedly calling from Portugal.
1pm Hurrah! Hurrah! I had a cellphone name. It was Mark, from Portugal. Simply extremely form and good of him. Apparently he has been speaking to the police all week in between being a high barrister and flew out to Albufeira yesterday.
Sunday 26 November: ‘Dad and I had naively assumed that Mum could be chastened by what she had gone via’. Pictured left: Jim Broadbent as Bridget’s dad within the 2001 movie
The police over there have discovered Mum, and Mark thinks she is going to get off as a result of will probably be fairly apparent she had no concept what Julio was as much as.
They’ve managed to trace down a number of the cash, however haven’t discovered Julio but. Mum is coming again tonight, however must go straight to a police station for questioning. He stated to not fear, it should in all probability all be OK.
Sunday, 26 November
9 st 1 lb, alcohol items 0, energy God is aware of.
Nightmare day. Dad and I had naively assumed that Mum could be chastened by what she had gone via.
‘Let go of me, you foolish billy,’ a voice rang out via the arrival lounge. ‘Now we’re on British soil I’m sure to be acknowledged and I don’t need everybody seeing me being manhandled by a policeman.’
There was almost a stand-up combat after they tried to get her into the police automotive.
I used to be attempting to elucidate to her that she needed to go to the station to see whether or not she was going to be charged with something, however she simply saved going: ‘We’ll see, darling. Perhaps tomorrow after I’ve cleaned out the vegetable basket. I left 2 lb of King Edwards in there and I wager they’ve sprouted. No person’s touched the crops, apparently, your entire time I’ve been away, and I wager you something Una’s left the heating on.’
It was solely when Dad came visiting and curtly instructed her the home was about to be repossessed, vegetable basket included, that she shut up and huffily allowed herself to be put at the back of the police automotive.
Monday, 27 November: ‘Typical. The minute I resolve I like Mark Darcy, everybody instantly stops attempting to repair me up with him’. Pictured: Colin Firth as Mark Darcy and Renee Zellweger as Bridget Jones
Monday, 27 November
9st 1 lb, alcohol items 0, hours of sleep 0.
9am Fully shattered. Dad and I have been made to attend on a bench within the police station for 2 hours final evening.
Finally we heard a voice approaching alongside the hall. ‘Oh, there you might be, Daddy,’ stated Mum.
‘So, what occurred?’ I stated, when Dad had completed placing all her suitcases, hats, straw donkey (‘Isn’t it tremendous?’) and castanets within the boot of the Sierra and had began the engine.
‘What occurred, Mom?’ I stated dangerously. ‘What about everybody’s cash and the time-share flats? The place’s my 200 quid?’
‘Durr! It was just a few foolish downside with the planning permission. They are often very corrupt, you recognize, the Portuguese authorities.
‘So Julio’s simply paid all of the deposits again. We had a brilliant vacation, really! The climate was very combined, however …’
‘The place is Julio?’ I stated, suspiciously.
‘Oh, he’s stayed behind in Portugal to kind out all this planning permission palaver.’
‘What about my home?’ stated Dad. ‘And the financial savings?’
‘I don’t know what you’re speaking about, Daddy. There’s nothing incorrect with the home.’
Tuesday 5 December: ‘Why hasn’t Mark Darcy rung me? Why? Why? Am going to be eaten by Alsatian regardless of all efforts on the contrary. Why me, Lord?’. Pictured: Colin as Mr Darcy
Sadly for Mum, nonetheless, once we acquired again to The Gables all of the locks had been modified, so we had to return to Una and Geoffrey’s.
‘Oof, have you learnt, Una, I’m so exhausted, I believe I’m going to need to go straight to mattress,’ stated Mum after one have a look at the resentful faces.
The cellphone rang for Dad.
‘That was Mark Darcy,’ stated Dad when he got here again. My coronary heart leapt into my mouth as I attempted to regulate my options. ‘He’s in Albufeira. Apparently some type of deal’s been accomplished and so they’ve recovered a number of the cash. I believe The Gables could also be saved …’
At this a loud cheer went up from us all. I waited for Una to make some comment about me however none was forthcoming.
Typical. The minute I resolve I like Mark Darcy, everybody instantly stops attempting to repair me up with him.
Tuesday, 5 December
9 st 2 lb (proper, am actually going to start out weight-reduction plan right now), alcohol items 4 (begin of festive season), energy 3245 (higher).
Can not assist however really feel unhappy concerning the brutal trampling on the pink silk shoots of romance burgeoning between me and Mark Darcy by Marco Pierre White and my mom, however attempting to be philosophical about it. The one factor a girl wants at the present time is herself!
2am Why hasn’t Mark Darcy rung me? Why? Why? Am going to be eaten by Alsatian regardless of all efforts on the contrary. Why me, Lord?
Thursday, 21 December
9 st 3 lb (really, in humorous type of means there isn’t a cause why mustn’t really drop extra pounds over Christmas since am so full that — definitely any time after Christmas dinner — it’s completely acceptable to refuse all meals on grounds of being too full. In truth, it’s in all probability the one time of yr when it’s OK to not eat).
For ten days now have been residing in state of everlasting hangover and foraging sub-existence with out correct meals or sizzling meals.
Christmas is like struggle. Taking place to Oxford Avenue is hanging over me like going excessive. Would the Pink Cross or Germans come and discover me? Aaargh. It’s 10am.
Haven’t accomplished Christmas purchasing. Haven’t despatched Christmas playing cards. Proper, am by no means, by no means going to drink once more for the remainder of life.
Sunday, 24 December: Christmas Eve
9 st 4 lb, energy 1 million, in all probability, variety of heat festive ideas 0.
Midnight. V. confused about what’s and isn’t actuality. Mum and Dad, who’re separated and planning to divorce, are sleeping in the identical mattress. Perhaps Dad is at this second making an attempt to mount Mum. Ugh, ugh. No, no. Why did mind assume such thought?
Monday, 25 December: ‘Staggered downstairs to search out Mum and Una exchanging political opinions whereas placing crosses in the long run of sprouts.’. Pictured: Renee as Bridget Jones
Monday, 25 December
9 st 5 lb (oh God, have become Santa Claus, Christmas pudding or related), alcohol items 2 (whole triumph), energy 2657 (nearly totally gravy), variety of Christmas items with any level to them by any means 0, philosophical reflections on the that means of the Virgin Start 0, variety of years since self was Virgin, hmmm.
Staggered downstairs to search out Mum and Una exchanging political opinions whereas placing crosses in the long run of sprouts.
‘Oh sure, I believe what’s-his-name is excellent.’
‘Properly, he’s, I imply, he acquired via his what-do-you-mer-call-it clause that no person thought he would, didn’t he?
‘Oh, good day, darling,’ stated Mum, noticing me. ‘Now, what are you going to placed on for Christmas Day?’
‘This,’ I muttered sulkily.
‘Oh, don’t be foolish, Bridget, you may’t put on that on Christmas Day.’
12.30pm ‘I believe this gravy’s going to wish sieving, Pam,’ referred to as Una, popping out of the kitchen holding a pan.
Oh no. Not this. Please not this.
‘I don’t assume it should, pricey,’ Mum stated already spitting, murderously via clenched tooth. ‘Have you ever tried stirring it?’
‘Don’t patronize me, Pam,’ stated Una, smiling dangerously. They circled one another like fighters. This occurs yearly with the gravy. Mercifully, there was a distraction: an excellent crash and scream as a determine burst via the French home windows. Julio.
Everybody froze, and Una set free a scream.
Monday 25 December: ‘I seemed out of the window and almost jumped out of my pores and skin. There was Mark Darcy slipping, lithe as a whipper-snapper, throughout the garden and in via the French home windows’. Pictured: Colin as Mr Darcy
He stumbled over to Dad and drew himself as much as his full peak.
‘Ah,’ stated Dad. ‘Merry Christmas, er . . . Can I get you a sherry — ah, acquired one already. Jolly good. Mince pie?’
‘You sleep,’ stated Julio dangerously, ‘with my lady.’
‘Oh, he’s so Latin, hahaha,’ stated Mum coquettishly whereas everybody else stared in horror.
Julio spat on the Chinese language carpet and bounded upstairs, pursued by Mum, who trilled again at us: ‘May you carve, Daddy, please, and get everybody sitting down?’
No person moved.
‘OK, everyone,’ stated Dad, in a tense, severe, manly type of voice. ‘There’s a harmful felony upstairs utilizing Pam as a hostage.’
I seemed out of the window and almost jumped out of my pores and skin. There was Mark Darcy slipping, lithe as a whipper-snapper, throughout the garden and in via the French home windows. He was sweating, soiled, his hair was unkempt, his shirt unbuttoned. Ding-dong!
We have been all so surprised, and he so thrillingly authoritative, that we began doing as he stated as if hypnotized zombies. ‘I’m undecided whether or not Julio’s violent. The police are exterior. If we are able to get your mum to come back downstairs and depart him up there they’ll go in and get him.’
‘OK. Depart it to me,’ I stated, and walked to the underside of the steps.
‘Get Una to take the gravy again into the kitchen,’ I hissed. He did what I stated, then gave me a thumbs-up.
‘Mum?’ I shouted up the steps once more. ‘Are you aware the place the sieve is? Una’s a bit frightened concerning the gravy.’
Ten seconds later there was a pounding down the steps and Mum burst in, wanting flushed.
‘What’s Una accomplished with this gravy!’
At the same time as she spoke there have been footsteps working up the steps and a scuffle broke out above us.
Monday 25 December: ‘Mark Darcy took me to Hintlesham Corridor for champagne and late Christmas lunch’. Pictured: Colin Firth as Mark Darcy and Renee Zellweger as Bridget Jones
Mum set free a scream as Julio, handcuffed to a younger policeman, appeared within the hallway and was bundled out of the entrance door behind the detective.
I watched her as she collected herself and seemed around the room, appraising the scenario.
‘Properly, thank goodness I managed to calm Julio down,’ she stated gaily after a pause. ‘What a to-do! Are you all proper, Daddy?’
‘Your high — Mummy — is inside out,’ stated Dad.
I stared on the hideous scene. Then I felt a powerful hand on my arm.
‘Come on,’ stated Mark Darcy.
‘What?’ I stated.
‘Don’t say “what”, Bridget, say “pardon”,’ hissed Mum.
‘Mrs Jones,’ stated Mark firmly. ‘I’m taking Bridget away to have a good time what’s left of the Child Jesus’s birthday.’
I took an enormous breath and grasped Mark Darcy’s proffered hand.
That is what occurred subsequent:
Mark Darcy took me to Hintlesham Corridor for champagne and late Christmas lunch, which was v.g. Was unexpectedly simple to speak to Mark Darcy, particularly with Festive Julio Police Siege Scene to dissect.
It seems Mark has spent fairly lot of time in Portugal during the last month, in method of heartwarming non-public detective. He instructed me he tracked Julio right down to Funchal and discovered fairly a bit about the place the funds have been, however couldn’t cajole, or threaten, Julio into returning something.
‘How come he got here again to England?’
‘Properly, sorry to make use of a cliche, however I found his Achilles heel.’
‘Don’t say “what”, Bridget, say “pardon”,’ he stated, and I giggled. ‘I realised that, though your mom is essentially the most not possible lady on this planet, Julio loves her. I merely instructed him that she was spending Christmas together with your dad, and, I’m afraid, that they’d be sleeping in the identical mattress. I simply had a sense he was loopy sufficient to aim to, er, undermine these plans.’
God, he’s cool.
‘Nevertheless it was so type of you, taking break day work and the whole lot. Why did you hassle doing all this?’
Tuesday, 26 December: ‘Have lastly realized the key of happiness with males’. Pictured: Colin Firth as Mark Darcy and Renee Zellweger as Bridget Jones
‘Bridget,’ he stated. ‘Isn’t it moderately apparent?’
Oh my God.
After we acquired upstairs it turned out he had taken a collection.
It was improbable, v. posh and bloody good enjoyable and we performed with all of the visitor options and had extra champagne and he instructed me all these items about how he beloved me.
‘Why didn’t you ring me up earlier than Christmas, then?’ I stated suspiciously. ‘I left you two messages.’
‘I didn’t wish to discuss to you till I’d completed the job. And I didn’t assume you favored me a lot.’
‘Properly, you recognize. You stood me up since you have been drying your hair? And the primary time I met you I used to be carrying that silly jumper and behaved like an entire clod. I assumed you thought I used to be essentially the most frightful stiff.’
‘Properly, I did, a bit,’ I stated. ‘However . . .’
‘However what . . .?’
‘Don’t you imply “however pardon”?’
Then he took the champagne glass out of my hand, kissed me, and stated: ‘Proper, Bridget Jones, I’m going to present you pardon for,’ picked me up in his arms, carried me off into the bed room (which had a four-poster mattress!) and did all method of issues which imply at any time when I see a diamond-patterned V-neck sweater in future, I’m going to spontaneously combust with disgrace.
Tuesday, 26 December
4am Have lastly realized the key of happiness with males, and it’s with deep remorse, rage and an amazing sense of defeat that I’ve to place it within the phrases of an adulteress and felony’s confederate:
‘Don’t say “what”, say “pardon”, darling, and do as your mom tells you.’
Extracted from Bridget Jones’s Diary (And Different Writing): twenty fifth Anniversary Version by Helen Fielding, to be revealed by Picador on February 4, £14.99. © 2021 Helen Fielding. To order a duplicate for £13.19 go to www.mailshop.co.uk/books or name 020 3308 9193. Free UK supply on orders over £15. Promotional value legitimate till 14/02/2021.
Helen Fielding and the Day by day Mail are donating charges to the Calderdale and Huddersfield NHS charity.